sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
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I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
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My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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