These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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