My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
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We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Come on in and take your pants off
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