I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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