I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
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Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
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Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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