i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
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I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
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We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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