I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
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She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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