I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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