..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize