I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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