I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
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I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
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There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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