you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize