I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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