theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She told me I should be a condom model.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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