Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You are a genius and a whore.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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