you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
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He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
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Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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