It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
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the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My vagina is officially offended.
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I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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