so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
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I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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