You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize