There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
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white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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