He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
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like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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