wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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