Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
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woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
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Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize