and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
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She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
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I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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