I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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