i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize