Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
