hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
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Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
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I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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