My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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