i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
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You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
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I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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