Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
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I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
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Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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