3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
honey bunches of taint.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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