i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
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In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
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You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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