You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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