Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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