i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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