When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
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Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
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I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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