We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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