You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
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Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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