I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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