literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize