U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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