Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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