I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
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Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize