He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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