My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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