Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
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I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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