What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
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Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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