i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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