70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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