I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He felt like a one man threesome
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
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he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
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A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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